Grief & difficult life events
Grief isn't a neat set of stages. It comes in waves, with ordinary moments in between, and carrying on with study or work through it is genuinely hard.
In a minute
- There's no right way or timetable to grieve.
- Moving between feeling the loss and getting on with daily life is healthy.
- Anniversaries and reminders can bring grief back strongly, so plan for them.
Did you know?Many people experience grief in waves triggered by reminders, even months or years later.
Did you know?When grief stays intense and disabling for a long time, it's recognised as ‘prolonged grief’ and responds well to specialist support.
Why it happens
A widely used model of grief (the ‘dual-process model’) describes healthy grieving as moving back and forth between loss (remembering, feeling it) and restoration (routines, study, practical tasks). Both matter.
Grief affects the body and mind: concentration, memory, sleep and appetite often change. This is a normal response, not a sign you're coping badly.
For a smaller number of people, grief stays intense and stops them functioning long after the loss. Grief-focused therapy helps with this more than time alone.
Signs to look for
Common in grief
- Waves of sadness triggered by songs, smells or dates
- Poorer concentration and memory
- Guilt about laughing, or about not crying
Worth getting support for
- Still unable to engage with daily life many months on
- Feeling life has no meaning without the person
- Using alcohol or other substances to cope
What actually helps
- 1
Let your department or employer know
Most institutions and workplaces have compassionate leave, extensions or deferrals. Asking is admin, not a judgement on you.
- 2
Anchor two fixed points a day
One meal and one short walk at set times give structure when motivation isn't there.
- 3
Plan for the hard days
Birthdays and anniversaries are predictable. Decide in advance who you'll be with and what you'll do.
- 4
Talk to someone outside the family
A counsellor gives you space to express your own grief without having to look after anyone else's.
Try this now: A letter you don't send
About 10 minutes
- 1Write to the person (or about the change you've lived through).
- 2Say what you miss, what you wish you'd said, and what you're carrying now.
- 3Keep it, or let it go: whatever feels right.
Myths vs facts
MythYou should be ‘over it’ after a few months.
FactGrief has no deadline. It usually becomes easier to carry rather than disappearing.
MythKeeping busy is the best way to cope.
FactSome busyness helps, but making space to feel the loss is also part of healing.
When to get more help
- You can't manage daily life many months after a loss
- You're thinking you'd rather not be alive: get help straight away (your local emergency number or a crisis line: see /get-help)
- Grief is complicated by trauma, such as a sudden or violent death
Keep reading
These guides are general information, not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. If you’re in danger, call your local emergency number, or find a free helpline at findahelpline.com.